Life, loss, love and everything in between.

Well once again it's been a bit longer than I had hoped it would be til I posted. Life has been crazy. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Also I have the blogger app so that might change things.  Also I'm just diving right in...

On January 3rd 2014 my mother in law, Momma Kathy, left this life for the next after an unarguably long fight with cancer. A cancer that no one would have dreamed she could have lived through 6 years with. With what she thought could be only 6 months of life left she sent her son (now my wonderful and most amazing husband), on his mission to Alaska knowing full well the chances of seeing him return two years later was slim. She decided that this cancer wasn't gonna take the life and love out of her. Instead she rebelled against the cancer in her body. She wasn't going to let that take away who she was. She was chipper and happy til the very end. Never once thinking "woe is me" or ever the thought of giving up. A cancer that is hardly ever heard of much less, we know very little about, was about to deal with it's toughest fight yet. Kathy did the rounds of chemotherapy and even did stem cell to prolong her life. By the time she was through she was her own case study for a trial of a new breast cancer chemo, and imagine this, 

IT WORKED! 

Which only "works" for so long, but that gave us more time with her. She made it into the new year for a tax write off and to ensure that it wasn't near any birthdays and after the holidays. Which I might at were a glorious occasion with her by our side and sharing the light of Christ with us. I think of her often. Sometimes it consumes me. I want to be the spiritual giant she was. I want to have faith and hope like that. I want to be rock solid. That's what momma k was. She was a beacon of light for the rest of Us. She still is. Reminding is that we can do those things that we think are hard. 

This is such a small tidbit on her and her life. But I miss her terribly. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain what she was to me. I love her so much. I miss her everyday and the gaping hole in my life is still just a fresh would. Sometimes I salt it. Sometimes I try and let it heal. And other days I just hope and pray that it will heal. Not today or tomorrow. But someday I won't be plagued by it like I am now. I hope her children know the kind of love she had for them. I hope her children know what an amazing father they have. I hope that as she is up there in heaven that she is teaching my future children to be just as amazing as she is. 

For now that's all. I'm drained as I'm sure one might be after reading such a roller coaster. Until another day 

Oh how time flies

 Which really does sound kind of gross. I can't help but think of those little black nasties with that word. Here I am not know where to even start... well after a brief look at my blog there is just too much for one post, especially after so long. Wouldn't want to put anyone in to an overdose coma now would we. And considering the lack of followers I have that shouldn't be a problem. Here goes...

In March I was married to my wonderful husband, Bryant. It has been such an amazing journey so far and I'm glad we have all eternity to spend together! What else is new, I chopped all my hair off and it grew back, I've only had to get stitches once since my last blog post. Don't know if this is new but I found out that I am Celiac.. which deserves its own horrible wallowing pitiful post. I've been through more jobs and T.V. series addictions than I can count. I've fallen in love with the delicious goodness we call Boba. My parents were divorced, followed by my mother being remarried. I know have 11 Nieces and nephews, mostly nephews, but all of which I adore. My sister Kristen and I now have a REAL sister relationship which has been more of a blessing than I can even say.

  Now that all those ramblings are out I can get to the good stuff. Okay not really but here is what is on my mind. My Momma Kathy (Mother-In-Law) ((http://multiplemyelomahigh.wordpress.com/2012/11/01/my-new-reason-for-a-piggy-bank/)) has a rare a rare cancer known as Mulitple Myeloma. She was diagnosed in 2008 (I believe). She was given four months to live. My husband was headed on a mission, his sister was just barely into high school, and the two young ones were 8 & 5 (begin water works). She was a strong healthy woman who was the one up on the ladder fixing the fan, or underneath the car changing the oil. Isn't it crazy how one simple thing can change our lives? It has been about five years that she has lived. Except that now they are out of treatment options. The inevitable has finally found us all, but I'm not ready to let go. I first met my sweet Momma K in August 2012. Bryant and I had just begun dating and I took the terrifying walk up the stairs to her bedroom. My goodness... I knew she was sick, I knew meeting his mom was something I would eventually have to do if I continued to date him, but how in the world do you prepare for something when you don't even know what you are needing to be prepared for? As it turns out it went great. She was nice and kind and still to this day she tells me how beautiful I am and how glad she is to have me in her family. I learned to love her. I brought her sodas, and said hi to her. These simple things taught me so much. She was so happy for something so small, and it made me even happier to do it. She has shared so much of her life and struggles with me and I know that I needed her in my life. She has had struggles that most of us can't even imagine trying to bear. And yet she still smiles a way as though there isn't a care in the world. A smile so sweet that I am attempting my hand at poetry once again and only for her. So now I'm running out of steam and I shall pick up at another unknown future date. Hopefully sooner now that I have a real computer!! Hazzah
Never stop dreaming.

One of my favorite things...

I'm in LOVE with cameos!!! I think they are soo cool! They have this totally old European, queen feel. Or maybe like princess Dianna style.. I imagine she would look good cameo style. Well since I do things in the backwards way... here is a link to wiki, so you know what I am talking about - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cameo_%28carving%29 - which is quite the interesting feat because I never really knew it entailed as much. The typical ones I knew of were just the jewelry ones.. typically of queen looking women with beautiful necks...

As we may or may not know I'm kind of picky about the originality of things, so while some of them look cool and such, they just aren't if its some plastic reproduction. I like the legit stuff. Give me some hand carved cameo of an 18th century duchess... Now we are talking!!! However... I am so very entertained that you can find them as other carvings. Like trees, that would be cool. Back to the subject though, I love it when they have sort of a gothic romanesque look. With the black swirly's on the border.

My point to this whole post... Other than to share my love of this beautiful art form.

Well I'd have to say that its one of those small things in life I can be thankful for. It is in fact the month for gratitude, which we often over-look. This is one of those small silly things about me that only a few people know, but it contributes to all the other things about me. I have a bunch of these little peeves, and adorations. These little things help me create my own sense of happiness. Its not the love of items, but rather the love of something small that can make me smile and say " WOW this is totally awesome!". And its things like this that we forget. We are all thankful for our ma's and pa's , family and friends, jobs, homes and many other everyday things... but how often do we realize that we have the opportunity to partake in the small things. Well over all its the joy I find in art... it breaks down to cameos and old rotting tree's. I can't imagine all the beauty in the world, but I get to see it in just these little things.

Well that is enough ranting and raving... (time for my favorite show!) but welcome into my brain for the day, I hope you leave with something good, other than a headache from my sporadically written words.

The simple things,
neverland

So here I sit on this fine Monday, sun filtering through the blinds, and I am ready to once again share my thoughts with the world. I figure that I need to be better about this blogging thing. I mean, its important that I don't sit around on the computer half the day, but I enjoy sharing my many thoughts. And quite honestly don't share them enough.

Yesterday,
Yesterday was my first day back at church. Really there. It has been months since I've been. I've decided its time for me to go back, although I really doubted I ever would. I wanted so many other things and didn't think that it was even an option for me. I miss the feeling, the beating in my heart and the light inside my soul. There is a long road back, and a lot that needs worked out. Now is the time and I have the people around me that I need to get me there. My hope is that I can come to a knowledge and understanding of life and truth, so that I might obtain happiness. And to share that with the world...

More to come.

Sunday soliloquies...

I don't really think I know what soliloquies are.. but I like the word and it does go well with sunday.

The point is I needed a name for a post. And here goes...

So I absolutely love climbing! Well bouldering for the most part... It is so much fun!!! It is such a weirdly active sport. You are clinging to a rock, craning your neck to look for just the right hold. Then you have to power up and grab it. Its so exhilarating when you throw your arm up and hope that it hits the right spot, then grab and hold it tight as you can. I love that it doesn't just work your arms, legs or abs.. it works the whole body. It feels so good to be out there in all the sand and dirt. Shoving your fingers and toes in nooks and crannies, hoping they will hold you and that spiders won't bite you. Every time I go climbing I just want to get lost out there and never come back. Climb all day and just forget about modern society. It is so easy to relax up there where its just you and climbs. No distractions. Its calming and comforting that the only thing you can count on is yourself. Its all about making the right grabs and finding the right holds. Pushing with all your power and strength to reach just an inch further. I feel like it helps one to discover the essence of the earth. Nature's pure beauty.

I now make it my priority to develop my climbing skills and abilities.. Also to work on getting a little buffer so those holds pay off when I can bust out a huge reach and pull myself to the top!

Love, Loyalty, and Friendship, forever and always,

neverland

Porches

I felt as though this might start well with a Definition.

Definition of PORCH

1: a covered area adjoining an entrance to a building and usually having a separate roof

(thank you to Merriam Websters online Dictionary)

First there are a few things you must understand. I currently live in Iowa and work for Satton Marketing, doing door to door satellite sales. We go out to generally smaller towns and knock on doors to help people with T.V. service.

As such I see quite the pluthera of porches. Namely the infamous enclosed porch, but not limited to such. (contemplation of where to take this next). Within the last week it occured to me how very many of these beautiful architechtures are used without the utmost thought of its design and purpose. A large number of these porches are falling apart due to lack of care. They are weighed down upon by unimaginable sums of trash and junk. Once when these majestic homes were first built the porch was the highlight of ones home. Hot summers were spent rocking on the porch sippin' a glass of coke and chatting with the neighbors. The breeze drifting through the open air, into the porch. At times screened off from the pests. But never unwelcoming. People spent time on their porches and used it as a gateway to others. Pause and think for a moment. How many of you know your neighbors? For what reason is this? Did you put down the phone for a moment, notice the sunshine outside, stop for a moment to hear a bird sing its sweet song? Modern society almost doesn't allow time for this. Back to the point. If your porch is so full of trash, old electronics, rotting furniture and poopy diapers, what chance do you have to enjoy your home and property? I know too many questions.

I feel as though many of us in these very united states have lost all the simplicity of life. Ice cold watered down lemonade for a quarter from the kids next door. A friendly wave from a passing stranger. The gas station attendant that runs out after you to give your wallet back. There are such simple pleasures from life. There is the chance that maybe we just choose not to partake in such activities. Or that we look at things from a pessimistic view. The lemonade sucks and I'm out a quarter. I have no idea who that is, nor the time to think of them. I dropped my wallet again, today must be a bad one. Well I do take a fairly cynical view on things, which I realize is a choice I make, its time I turn things around and look at them with grateful eyes.

This all reminds me of a poem, to which I cannot quite remember the name. What it comes back to is that you never know what a simple smile or wave can do for someone. Eventually on to the pay it forward stage.

I know this is much too farfetched in its randomnity but isn't it about time we stood up for something we believe in. Whether its the porch and its original purpose. The value of a life. Or just the recognition of views contrary or in accordance to our own.

The stage at which I am at in life has caused much confusion and wondering for myself. How am I to find what life it is that will make me happy? I've had many different answers from others. That isn't what I want though. Happiness is a personal thing. The fact that you are happy and content with your way of life and beliefs does not mean that I will. I believe God gave to each of us our free will to choose what it is we desire most. Yes there are things that he appreciates and claims to want us to do. However would he give us one answer to all questions and misunderstandings? Is there truly only one given way for us to have happiness and fulfillment in life? I believe not.

Theories of today

So I have a thing...

A thing for theories. ( I also have one for ratios, but I'll save that for another day) Where to start. I will start with the stories that attribute to my first theory.

Theory: Walmart's success

My good friend Copper... (lost in wonderland) and I were troubled after a long week of despair and heartache. There was many a tear followed by much needed smoothies. Finally due to the cold we headed to walmart. Where we later had a stoned feeling (earlier blamed on the tears). As we walked down an aisle and saw the man walking towards us face... I mentioned to her how I figured we looked stoned. Not to mention how we felt. This was followed by quite the quotes and also many admittances of terrible thoughts one might have.

Today I also made a trip to walmart for the fixings to make banana bread. After being in the store fifteen minutes I just so happened to start feeling silly. We arrived home and made our banana bread deliciousness. Which was followed by watching batman begins. I giggled tremendously about nothing for five minutes, after which I texted the afore mentioned Copper and asked why I felt high every time I entered Walmart. She had no idea... but oh boy did I.

So. First of all... I hear that people get the munchies and really hungry after smoking something green. Also they find the most simple things fascinating. So what the theory really comes down to is that walmart is using illegal drugs to help their sales. Once you go in you are doomed. I'm sure you've noticed how the air conditioner or heater is blasting when you first walk in. Well it's because they burn that one green stuff and blow it through the air conditioning system throughout the whole store. Which accordingly gives you the munchies to buy every food item you see, and be fascinated by all the random things they have. Thus spending money on useless items and empty calories.

Enough about theory number one. Theory number two may or may not be proved and straight fact.

Theory: Bluray Makes everything Better.

Whilst giggling hysterically I realized that (Insert name of actor here) who plays batman on Batman Begins and The Dark Knight was extremely good looking. More so than any and every other time I had watched it. Also his previously creepy deep voice was much more attractive. Thus contributing factors to the fact that BluRay makes everything better and definitely sexifies men to the most extent.

:) Life is full of surprises... Never give up on the ones you love. And never forget that you.. Yes you are worth every minute, penny, second, or anything else. There isn't reason to worry about annoying someone or being worried as to how they will react. Because you are you, and no one else. I'd do anything for you.